25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. 

--------------------------- 
Tuesday August 25 2009

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.
First woman-- "I froze to death.
Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

--------------------------- 
Monday August 24 2009

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562  men across the U.S. were asked to  identify women's ultimate fantasy and  97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.  While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

--------------------------- 
Friday August 21 2009

How To Impress A Woman:
      * Wine her,
      * Dine her,
      * Call her,
      * Hug her,
      * Support her,
      * Hold her,
      * Surprise her,
      * Compliment her,
      * Smile at her,
      * Listen to her,
      * Laugh with her,
      * Cry with her,
      * Romance her,
      * Encourage her,
      * Believe in her,
      * Pray with her,
      * Pray for her,
      * Cuddle with her,
      * Shop with her,
      * Give her jewelry,
      * Buy her flowers,
      * Hold her hand,
      * Write love letters to her,
      * Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:

      * Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings . Don't block the TV

--------------------------- 
Wednesday August 19 2009

A young lawyer is approached by Satan......... 

"If you will sign over your life and your soul to me and those of your wife and three children, I will make you a full partner in that law firm you work in." 

The young lawyer, scratching his chin, ponders for a few minutes and replies... 

"Well, OK, but what's the catch?"

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo
of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc." Said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife

--------------------------- 
Monday August 17 2009

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men who are apparently past the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well enhanced young woman comes up.

With body stretched to its full potential, she pretends to wash your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car.

They are very good at this.

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.

--------------------------- 
Saturday August 15 2009

MONEY

It can buy a house
......... But not a Home

It can buy a  bed
......... But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
.......... But not Time

It can buy you a Book
......... But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
......... But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
.......... But not Health

It can buy you Blood
.......... But not Life

It can buy you Sex
.......... But not Love

So you see my friend, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.

Signed Dan's Mon-Key

--------------------------- 
Friday August 14 2009

Today is National Mental Health Day. 
You can do your bit by remembering to mention this to at least one unstable person. 
Well, my job's done!

--------------------------- 
Thursday August 13 2009

Advice from Men to women 

To my female friends, this advice might be an ''EYE OPENER,'' but I make no 
promises and no apologies... 

1. Never buy a ''new'' brand of beer just because ''it was on sale.'' 

2. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

3. Please don't drive when you're not driving. When I am turning the wheel and the car 
is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary. 

4. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to 
one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline. 

5. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do. 

6. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately 
cooler than you want it. 

7. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? 

8. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? 

9.You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. 

10. Silence does not need to be filled. 

11. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together. 

12. No, you can't have the remote control! 

--------------------------- 
Wednesday August 12 2009

New Market Definitions
 CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer.

 CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer.

 MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting.

 BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
 himself for a financial genius.

 BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife
gets  no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

 VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.

 P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market  goes lower.

 BROKER ... What my broker has made me.

 STANDARD &POOR ... My life in a nutshell.

 STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.

 STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between
 them.

 FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

 MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.

CASH FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.

 YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker.

 WINDOWS ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.

 INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now locked up in a
 nuthouse.

 PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.

 401K ... now known as only a 201k

--------------------------- 
Tuesday August 11 2009

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.

 While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

--------------------------- 
Monday August 10 2009

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first  few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word

A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it drinking it when you are two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You Know you are from Texas if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch for "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store. (note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word....)

6 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable or an insect.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

l0. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm

17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

19. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."

20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop.... It's a Coke regardless of brand of flavor.

22. You understand these jokes. If you do, forward them to your friends from Texas (or others so they'll understand Texans).
--------------------------- 
Sunday August 9 2009

He makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.  Well, one Saturday morning he gets up really early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made,  puts on his long johns, grabs his tackle and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Down the driveway he goes.
 
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage,
quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
 
Then he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh*t?"

--------------------------- 
Friday August 7 2009

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." 
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

--------------------------- 
Thursday August 6 2009

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.  An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." 

--------------------------- 
Wednesday August 5 2009

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, everyone inside dies and they are raised to heaven to meet their maker. Due to the grief they have experienced, God decides to grant them each one wish before they enter Paradise.  They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE', CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!

--------------------------- 
Tuesday August 4 2009

NO NEWS STORY CAN EVER TOP THIS ONE:
 
 By Elroy Willis

ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye-witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.

"She started screaming `He's back! He's back!' and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgeann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.

"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and
discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with
helium, which then floated up into the sky.

Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him. "I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me," the widower said when asked why his
wife would do such a thing.

When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied, "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."