Jokes for July 2009

---------------------------
Friday July 31 2009

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Bears Tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

---------------------------
Wednesday July 29 2009

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they give excellent quality milk, drink lots of beer, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English..
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

---------------------------
Tuesday July 28 2009

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

---------------------------
Monday July 27 2009

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

---------------------------
Friday July 24 2009

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?

Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."

---------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of
Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating,
and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------------------

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

----------------------------------------------------------

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

----------------------------------------------------------
Asshole.

----------------------------------------------------------

Bitch.

---------------------------
Wednesday July 22 2009

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an swear word. Those that weren't swear words were, to say the least, very rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

---------------------------
Monday July 20 2009

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old
man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy," you won't believe what I heard!

Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike..

---------------------------
Friday July 17 2009

---------------------------
Thursday July 16 2009

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across   three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When   the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The   cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The   usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned   with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move   the cowboy, but with no success

Finally they summoned the   police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked,   "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy   moaned.

"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the   Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, He says, "... the balcony..."

---------------------------
Wednesday July 15 2009

Living will

Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her, " Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Nasty woman!!!

---------------------------
Tuesday July 14 2009

Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

---------------------------
Monday July 13 2009

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.

---------------------------
Friday July 10 2009

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to 80?"

---------------------------
Thursday July 9 2009

"THINGY":
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

"VULNERABLE":
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

"COMMUNICATION":
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the
boys.

"BUTT":
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal.
Also good for mooning.

"COMMITMENT":
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.

"ENTERTAINMENT":
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

"FLATULENCE":
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and malebonding.

---------------------------
Wednesday July 8 2009

Finally some jokes for the ladies....

Ahh, Marriage

MARRIAGE (PART I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want ! and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
( SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings
her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part III)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He! shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

---------------------------
Tuesday July 7 2009

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," God says, "Go right ahead". "OK," the man says.

"Why did you make women so pretty?"

God says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

God says, "So they would love you!"

---------------------------
Monday July 6 2009

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

---------------------------
Sunday July 5 2009

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Following is the official guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed: +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1

You leave the toilet seat up: -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5

In the snow: +8

But return with beer: -5

And no liners: -25

You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It's her cat: -40

AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -10

With breast implants: -18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday: 0

You buy a card and flowers: 0

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal: 0

The pal is happily married: +1

The pal is single: -7

He drives a Ferrari: -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie: +2

You take her to a movie she likes: +4

You take her to a movie you hate: +6

You take her to a movie you like: -2

It's called Cop 3: -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it: +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding: -10

You reply, "Where?": -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100

Any other response: -20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression: 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?": -50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

These are a couple that I've added that only scale modelers can relate to.

You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0

It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15

You take her to Virginia Beach for a long week end vacation. +50

It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held. -100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the vendors room than she does shopping)

---------------------------
Saturday July 4 2009

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they "discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale.

One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Another agrees, and so does the third.

The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3."

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?" says one of the three guys at the table. "She's a real pretty girl." The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9.

However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.

"A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely gorgeous!"

The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.

"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10.

However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She's gorgeous!"

"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

"Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What in the Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"

"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her."

---------------------------
Friday July 3 2009

The difference between engineers and technicians

An engineer is given a system which does not work. The engineer inspects the system and discovers a component installed upside down.

The engineer thinks, "this component has been installed upside down. I don't know why it is upside down , but the person who installed it obviously had a good reason for installing it this way. I will not tamper with it."

A technician is given a system which does not work. The technician inspects the system and discovers a component installed upside down.

The technician thinks, "this component is upside down. It should be installed right way up". The technician takes out a screwdriver and reinstalls the component.

The engineer is an intelligent person. All the engineer's friends are intelligent people. It would never occur to the engineer that the reason the component was installed upside down is that the person who installed it is a freakin' idiot.

---------------------------
Thursday July 2 2009

The Difference between "Focus on Problems" and "Focus on Solutions"

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity. In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting (Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars.
They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians used a pencil...

---------------------------
Wednesday July 1 2009

Those Texans

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

---------------------------